My self pleasure journey: Discovering, Forgetting, and Remembering once again

PART 1: THE DISCOVERY

I was 12 when I gave myself my first orgasm

I was taking a bath & I remembered this thing people kept talking about at school & in whispers during our sex ed classes:

It was masturbation

& from what I understood, it went basically like this:

You touched your genitals. & it was supposed to feel good. Really good.

I thought to myself: “I wanna feel really good. I wonder if my body can do that too”

So w the purest intention (of simply wanting to feel good) & w a good amount of innocence - I decided to explore my body

I followed what felt good. & followed some more… until the most magical thing ever happened:

A burst of pleasure, a wave of sensation, a delightful & exhilarating energy - moved like a wave through my whole body

It felt like magic. Like WOW. Amazing! It was glorious. & beautiful. & I’m sure as a 12-year-old might describe it: it was really fuckin cool!

So I would do it again & again… from time to time - when I felt like feeling good

For a long time, it was just mine

Me, myself, the shower, & my orgasm

Simple & sweet. Innocent & joyous

PART 2: THE FORGETTING

Until I entered high school. & everything changed

All of a sudden - I was hyperaware of the power of my sexuality

Boys talked about it incessantly, like it was the most desired treasure in the world

And - I witnessed any girl who engaged in sexual things go through deep shame

People called them sluts. They lost their friends. Got bullied & prank called over & over again

& I could see how they hurt. Deeply hurt

So I decided that sex was dangerous

AND - I also had deep lust. For the boys, even though they drove me crazy

I dreamed about them, fantasized about them, crushed on them hard

It was primal, natural human attraction..

& so of course I wanted them to want me too.

So I did what almost all teenage girls are taught to do:

I became obsessed w performing what I thought I should be in order to receive love

I should be desirable: so I performed my sexuality

I straightened my hair. I obsessed about my clothes. I would die if I were ever seen without makeup

This led to years of obsessing over my body & my looks (which is conditioning I continue to heal from even today)

I became obsessed with what they wanted:

Was I sexual enough?

Cool enough? Intriguing enough?

This led to me centering their desires over mine

After years of doing that, I lost the ability to see and feel who I truly was. What I truly liked. What I really valued

I became sexually active. & from the moment it started it was all about them:

Did they like it enough? Was I doing it right?

Did I look good enough? Was I meeting their expectations? Was it enough to keep to them around?

Where self pleasure used to be a beautiful, nourishing thing… it now became a “secondary” thing

I treated it like a band-aid or a quick way to scratch an itch while I waited for the “real thing” (partnered sex)

I did it still.. But it was quick, & I usually just forced my body into orgasm the same way I knew how, over & over again

Sometimes it still felt good. But mostly, as soon as I was done.. I was obsessing about how I needed to get it from someone else.

This forgetting of myself, the loss of my personal relationship to self pleasure, and obsessing over others continued…from when I was 14… all the way until I was 27

PART 3: THE REMEMBERING

And then one day… after years of searching for a way out of all that ^

I found some videos on the internet. And they talked about engaging in pleasure…

Just for me.

They talked about FEELING GOOD, and how that helped you feel good about YOURSELF

They talked about self pleasure, sex, our bodies - as something sacred

As a fuel one could use for their own power

I had just exited another relationship where all my insecurities & desires to be loved & wanted had taken me down a deep, desperate hole of despair

I was rediscovering myself once again… & I decided to give it a try

I remember the first time I decided to self pleasure with love

I decided I was gonna take all the love I tried to pour into others in my desperate attempts to get them to love me the same way back…

And pour it generously into myself

I went slow. I kissed my own arms.

And tears flooded down my face.

I mourned all I had forgotten. And embraced my deep desire to remember.

So I kept going. I decided to be sexy - just for me.

I became friends with my body. I stopped pushing her, forcing her, or worrying about how she looked.

And I devoted myself to just one worry: How to make her feel good. Really good. Really loved, really respected, and really valued once again.

And the joy returned - but even bigger.

It wasn’t just joy, I realized. It was POWER.

Surges of energy, emanating from me, given to me by myself -

And I realized - everything I’d wanted from past partners or the world, or other people -

I had access to right here. In my own two hands, in every cell of my body.

A power source so abundant and infinite - right between my legs. Not out there. Right here.

I orgasmed my way to remembering who I really was inside.

Infinite. Powerful. Full of love. Transcendent. Expansive. Beyond words.

I orgasmed my way to new, healthy partnerships - to the current love of my life.

And now, I orgasm myself to creativity. To money. To healing. To collective revolution.

I self pleasure when my partner is home. Sometimes even after we have really good sex.

Because he is not the center of my sexual world. He is a part of it. And this is a part of it too - and without this part, our shared part does not work nearly as well.

Once again, it’s me. My self pleasure. For me. With me.

So that I can shine as my brightest for others and the work I’m meant to do in the world.

I am sad that I forgot. But I know the forgetting brought me to a remembrance much bigger than I may have ever gone for.

This is the call I hear in the hearts of my clients, over and over again.

They forgot. Or maybe they didn’t get a chance at all.

And they’re ready to remember.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know:

You can remember too.

Because it’s still with you. Right here. In your own two hands, your own heart, your own body - and yes, between your own two legs.

PS - I’ve got something coming soon that’ll help us all remember the true beauty and capacity of our orgasmic pleasure..

Let me know in the comments if this resonated for you, and drop a YES if you’re excited about what’s coming next!